Why “Just Relax” Is the Worst Advice for Women Who Can’t Orgasm

Have you ever been told to “just relax” when you’re struggling to orgasm? If so, you’re not alone—and chances are, that advice didn’t help at all.  

For many women, orgasm difficulties (OD) aren’t just about stress or a lack of the right mood. The idea that relaxation alone will solve the problem oversimplifies a deeply personal and often complex experience. Worse, it can feel dismissive, as if the solution were as easy as flipping a switch.  

In reality, orgasm struggles are often tied to deeper factors—past trauma, anxiety, physiological responses, or even societal conditioning that makes it hard to fully let go. Telling someone to “just relax” ignores all of that, placing the blame on them for not trying hard enough.  

 Why the “Just Relax” Myth Falls Short  

Many women (and their partners) believe that creating the “perfect” environment—soft lighting, calming music, a stress-free mindset—will lead to orgasm. But when it doesn’t happen, frustration sets in. The pressure to perform, the fear of disappointment, and the lingering effects of past experiences can all create mental and physical barriers that relaxation alone can’t fix.  

Think of it like trying to fall asleep when you’re anxious. The more you tell yourself, “just relax, just sleep,” the more elusive sleep becomes. What actually helps? Calming your nervous system through deep breathing, warmth, or other tools that signal safety to your body. The same principle applies to orgasms.  

 A Better Approach: Safety & Connection Over Relaxation  

Instead of chasing relaxation, focus on cultivating true safety and connection with yourself or a partner. For many women, orgasm difficulties stem from unresolved trauma or subconscious anxiety, which won’t disappear just because the setting is “perfect.”  

This is where alternative tools, like cannabis, can play a role. For some, cannabis helps quiet mental chatter, ease physical tension, and create a sense of embodied safety, making it easier to surrender to pleasure.  

 What You Can Do Instead  

1. Shift the Focus Away from Orgasm – Instead of making orgasm the end goal, explore pleasure for its own sake. Take the pressure off and let arousal build naturally.  

2. Prioritize Emotional & Physical Safety – If past trauma or anxiety is a factor, consider therapy, somatic practices, or mindfulness to help your body feel secure.  

3. Experiment with Cannabis (If It’s Right for You) – For some, a low dose of cannabis can reduce anxiety and increase body awareness. Start slow and observe how it affects your experience.  

4. Communicate Openly with Partners – If you’re with a partner, talk about what actually helps you feel safe and connected, rather than following a script of what “should” work.  

 The Bottom Line  

“Just relax” isn’t just unhelpful—it’s often counterproductive. Real, fulfilling pleasure comes from addressing the root causes of tension, not pretending they don’t exist.  

Your pleasure is worth more than a cliché. If you’re ready to explore what truly works for you, drop a comment below or follow for more insights on reclaiming your sexual well-being.  

Have you ever been given bad advice about orgasms? What actually helped you? Share your story with me by sending me an email at doc@femaleorgasmtraining.com.